I have been insanely depressed.  it's fucking fake spring in new york,
like you're inside and you look outside and you get a huge boner
because it's sunny, but then you go outside in a t-shirt and your
private parts shrivel up to the size and consistency of a raisin. I
couldn't handle it, even after my trip to SF, so instead of taking
mushrooms like Manute, i decided to go on my own vision quest of
sorts. i went under the underpass and took the first portal i could to
my hometown of Austin, Texas.


The first thing i did was drive by my old house.  It wasn't much, but
it was all i had at the time. looking at my humble beginnings made me
wistful and nostalgic of latter days, so i hastily proceeded to get
completely blotto.


this is an ex girlfriend. i don't remember which one. i hadn't been
back to texas in nearly five years, and although i don't have any male
friends anymore (i've burned most of those bridges through years of
deceit, snobbery, and adultery), i did find that at every day i would
hang out with at least two exes without fail. it was comforting in a
sort of desperately lonely sort of way.


we usually would go here. this is a giant natural swimming pool with
clear water and by some awesome loophole it's perfectly legal, and
cool even, for girls to be topless there. not all of them are, but
there certainly are some that do. i estimate that i saw approximately
15 tits while i was swimming there.  i also saw a lot of leathery
older men sun-bathing in obscenely tiny g-strings with obscenely huge
packages. i was painfully jealous and kind of disgusted, so i thought
i'd spare you the photos of those.  be sure to notice the "aggies for
bush" shirt on that pathetic fat college student. Aaahhh, Texas.




as i was saying before, i've kind of fallen out with all of my old
skate bros who stayed in austin. i guess they think i'm too big for my
britches or something because i got all uppitty and moved to the big
city. i mean sorry, dudes, would you like me better if i stayed in
austin and got all pathetic and fat and dressed shitty and did heroin?
whatever, i'm not bitter about it or anything.
 so i quickly fell into a skate crew all at least 10 years younger
than me. it was great. i was flattered that they'd let me skate with
them, and i kept them constantly entertained with stories of my
fabulous life in new york that usually went like this "yeah, whatever,
no big deal, o'dell and shit...fucking tino... the fish...epic...". it
was great.




"awesome, and then what did kunle say to jeffrey deitch?"


towards the end of my trip, my friend peyton (who i don't have a
picture of because he's way better looking than me) hosted an
city-wide game of skate at his garage.


it was actually right next to my old montessori school where i went
from 1st through 3rd grade, which was wierd and sad sort of, but not
nearly as wierd and sad as patricks entry about highschool and the
dodge skatepark, so i'm gonna stay out of it. it was a good chance to
see everyone that i hadn't seen yet, and guess who i ran into?


that's right!!! fucking Brandon! the guy who patrick bit for his
website! drehobl, evan, schmidty, o'dell, amy, tim barber, and athena,
as well as shadlambert.com should all be fucking paying this kid
royalties because he started it all. i think.
anyway, the kid's pretty epic, way cooler than we were when we were 16
i'm sure and if he keeps it up he is sure to have a promising future
career as a mesage board coordinator or something. i was actually in
the skateboard contest, so while practicing i handed the camera over
to brandon, a much more experienced web-journalist.


this kid's nickname is short bus. awesome. he almost won the contest
too. brandon claims that the camera ran out of batteries or something,
but i'm pretty sure he just got tired of sticking a digital camera in
people's faces. it is pretty rude, you know, patrick. i mean, there
you are just enjoying your beer or whatever, and some tall skinny
asshole in kr3w jeans smugly shoves an elph in your face and you're
supposed to be thrilled because he might put you on his loser website,
patrick. did you ever think about how the people you exploit actually
feel about it? no, i didn't think so. because if you did, you will
find out that the more you kick out the steps to the latter of
success, the harder the fall will be on the way down.  no, i bet you
didn't think about that at all, did you, PATRICK!!!




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